she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
