i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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