May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
