now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
