Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
