I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
