No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
