i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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