Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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