I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
