gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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