i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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