I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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