I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And then he peed in my hair
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