just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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