she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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