True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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