i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
