Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
