A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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