3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
home. puking in laundry basket.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
