Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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