Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
