its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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