I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
