Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
