Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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