After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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