I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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