I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
