I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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