i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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