Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
