I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
