she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
