Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have demons in me.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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