mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
