Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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