I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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