Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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