I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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