You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
