Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
