I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
