I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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