I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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