i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
