My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
