I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize