My hand turned me down
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
