You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
