Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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