Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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