Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
