I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize